Monday, July 26, 2010

Who Am I?

Contrary to what I've been telling other people and on this blog, in some of my previous posts, I knew that the person who I knew as my mother is actually not my biological mother. I learned about this when I was 26 years old, and it was just unbelievable to me at that time. In my mind, things like that only happens on television and in movies, although, that revelation answered some of the why's and the how's in my mind but still I was on denial.

When I was a child, I'd been hearing a lot of stories from other people that I was adopted, but of course I didn't believe them. My parents told me that if people said something about it again, that I should show them my birth certificate, it's an A2-size paper with a NestlĂ© company logo on top with my name, name of the hospital  where I was supposedly born, date of birth and with the signature of the doctor which obviously turned out to be bogus. I can't blame those people who said that I was adopted, they didn't see my mother got pregnant for 9 months, instead, they just saw this baby in front of their bulging eyes one fine day.

I said earlier that that revelation answered some of my questions. Most of them are about my relationship with my mom and how she treated me as her son. I remember one instance where I was in my room and she was calling me from downstairs, my tv was loud and I couldn't hear her shouting, she then went up to my room and scolded me, after a short exchange of words, she then slapped me on my nape with a closed fist, (don't get me wrong, I never speak bad word to may parents,) I remember I was crying after that. My father came up after my mom had left and he was angry because of the commotions. While I was crying, I told my father, "Why is mother not like a mother?", then he put his arm around me and said, "Don't cry and don't think about it, she's just experiencing menopause, that's all", ridiculous it may sound, but I believed him. There were many more instances like that and some other small things, and collectively they all served as clue to the truth.

I'm 38 now and after more than 10 years since I've learned about my mom, I kind of accepted the fact that she's not my biological mom and that nothing should change. In my mind, I still have my father and he's my real father, we are both a Cabrera and that is all that matters. Although, ever since I've learned about it, new questions popped up in my mind, like who's my real mother?, where is she now? or is she rich or poor?  or is she still alive? and a lot more. My parents and I, we neither talked about it nor I asked my father who he had an illicit relationship with, but everytime I had a chance to speak with my relatives, I would often ask them about it, but their answers would often disappoint me.

Just last Friday, (I didn't have a sleep that evening, probably I was too excited to go to school,) I decided to call one of my relatives in the States. I wanted to just say hello and update myself about what's happening with them there. But then I decided to ask about my real mother or if they know my real mother, at first he said he didn't know her and I was kind of expecting that, but then he said, "I don't know your mother but what I know is that you were given to your parents by a certain Doctora Virata of Imus", and then he added, "and a certain Rementilla, so if you want to find out who you really are, and who your real parents are, look for those people". Then I quickly said thank you, terminated the call and ran to my computer and googled Dra.Virata, but then it crossed my mind, if I was given to my parents.....then? I quickly called back and asked, Are you saying that my father is not my real father? Then he said, "to my knowledge, yes, he's not your father, they are not your parents". I couldn't believe it, not another one! After all those years, all those people who've been telling me that I am adopted was right all along. Everything about me was a lie.

I found 3 Dr.Viratas in Imus, Dr. Mabini Virata, Dr. Cora Virata and Dr. Enriqueta Virata. I don't want to play Sherlock Holmes, but I want to know who I am. I feel so empty, like something's missing, and I wish my Nanay Tita is here, (my aunt who died last year). I don't even know if I have the courage to ask those people about my parents, and if I do, will they answer me or will  they just tell me to go away because they are busy?